Like most people who have ever taught English as a foreign language, I have a large collection of jokes. If you give your students a page of text to read as homework, they may or may not do it. If, however, you give them a page of jokes on the same subject, it’s a different story altogether. So, to celebrate the brand-new paperback edition of Ward Zero this week, here are some of the ‘doctor’ jokes…
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve lost my memory!’
Doctor: ‘When did this happen?’
Patient: ‘When did what happen?’
Patient: ‘Good morning, Doctor.’
Doctor: ‘Good morning, Mr Jones. I haven’t seen you for a long time.’
Patient: ‘I know – I’ve been ill.’
‘Doctor! Doctor! I think I need glasses!’
‘You certainly do, madam. This is a fish and chip shop.’
Did you hear about the man who went to the opthalmologist because he was seeing spots in front of his eyes? Well, the doctor gave him glasses, and now he can see the spots much better…
A woman hurt her knee and her doctor told her she mustn’t climb stairs for a month. Four weeks later she went back and asked, ‘Is it all right for me to go up and down stairs now?’
‘Certainly,’ said the doctor.
‘Well, thank goodness,’ said the woman. ‘I was getting really fed up climbing the drainpipe!’
Patient: ‘Doctor, I have a terrible problem. If this swelling in my legs gets any worse, I won’t be able to get my trousers on.’
Doctor: ‘Not to worry, Mr Brown. I can give you a prescription.’
Patient: ‘Oh, thank goodness. What’s it for?’
Doctor: ‘A kilt…’
Patient: ‘Doctor, my family thinks I’m mad.’
Doctor: ‘Why’s that?’
Patient: ‘Because I like sausages.’
Doctor: ‘That’s nonsense. I like sausages too.’
Patient: ‘You do? You must come round and see my collection – I have 472, 389.’
And to finish off, one in British English:
Doctor: ‘Have you ever had any trouble with diarrhoea?’
Patient: ‘Once, when I was at secondary school, and the teacher asked me to spell it…’
linda huber 
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